How much for a kiss?

Do you charge for your kisses? It’s a good question I think and the surprising answer for many people is that they do. Well, they don’t exactly carry a card machine with them, or issue receipts maybe, but they don’t give their kisses freely.

Instead they’re earned as a reward for doing something. So, for example if you give your partner a kiss for making you a cup of tea that’s called a ‘conditional stroke’. (A unit of recognition that was given to someone in response for them doing or thinking something).

If you just snogged ‘em because you loved them (or just fancied them) that’s called an ‘unconditional stroke’. (A unit of recognition given freely just because the other person was ‘being’ there).

All positive strokes are good to have and the more you get the happier life is, in my opinion. By the way, the word ‘stroke’, as used here, is a term from Transactional Analysis; which is a great way of studying how we communicate.

It is good to give and receive both conditional and unconditional strokes as they nurture us at different levels and we really need both to feel loved and secure.

Now, when we think of our modern careers and how we survive at work, the same applies. Staff need to know they’re valued as human beings and not just as economic units.

Great ways to give people unconditional strokes at work include:

1) Make them a coffee, just because you can.
2) Ask about their weekend, or their holiday.
3) Show interest in a hobby they have.
4) Say good morning and smile!

Of course you’re welcome to go large with the hugs and kisses too, but check your Employee Handbook first, in case the Personnel Miseries have outlawed them….

So, this week give people unconditional strokes. They’re a great way to build relationships and improve your career both at work and at home!

Tags: stroke

Remember! Rabbits need stroking, not washing.

Last week in Part 1 we met five types of stroke (units of recognition) that we can give out to people and can get back from them. Strokes, as a term from Transactional Analysis, are the nourishment we need to live by and prosper. They fuel our days and propel us towards greatness. And they can stop us in our tracks, or leave us feeling unloved and ignored. What’s really interesting for me though is how we learn to limit how we use them. They’re free, you can carry an infinite amount in your pocket and they are the bedrock of happy fulfilling relationships at home and at work. So why is it that we often keep hold of strokes, or only give them grudgingly?

The Stroke Economy

Claude Steiner, one of the early developers of Transactional Analysis, suggested we learn to limit strokes and that our early years environment shapes the ‘rules’ we carry around in our heads. He called this ‘The Stroke Economy.’ What this means in practice is that we tend to uphold one or more of the following five injunctions (beliefs that limit our freedom to act):

1. Don’t Give Strokes to Others. If you tell people what they have done well they will want to be told more often, or they might think that you’re after something. You should only give out strokes sparingly! The truth is that you can give strokes to other people! The reality is that it’s ok to praise people, or to tell them what they’ve done well and that these people won’t take advantage of you. Think about who is important to you and ask yourself who you could stroke more often?

2. Don’t Give Stokes to Yourself. Self praise is no praise. Modesty is a virtue. Don’t stand out. Don’t blow your own trumpet. These kind of beliefs are well meaning and can get in the way. The truth is that you can stroke yourself. It’s ok to give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, or treat yourself, or simply enjoy your talents and skills.

3. Don’t Ask for Strokes. If you ask for a compliment or perhaps for a hug, people may be suspicious of you and think that you’re ‘needy’. Clearly, if you ask for a kiss and get it, that counts less than if your partner reads your mind and gives you one by surprise. Right? Wrong! The truth is that you can ask for what you need. If you ask someone to pay you a compliment, or give you some positive feedback, and they do and are sincere, then the strokes are real and as powerful as if you received them by surprise. It’s ok to ask and to receive. Next time you want a hug, don’t sit there and pout…ask for one!

4. Don’t Accept Strokes. If someone says “Well done” the temptation is to brush it off and be modest. “Oh it was nothing,” you might reply, or emphasize that the team did some good work whilst you sat in the background. You might even ask for a compliment and when you get it you toss it aside with a disbelieving sniff. Of course the truth is that you can accept strokes. “Thank you” often suffices and personally I quite enjoy getting them and stuffing them into my ‘stroke bank’. (Think of this as a piggy bank, where you can store strokes and replay them later for added smiles). Have fun accepting strokes…you pump fuel into your car, so what’s wrong with taking on board some nourishment for yourself?

5. Don’t Reject Strokes. Some people feel that they always have to accept all the feedback that is given to them and perhaps even become recognised for one particular trait or talent. For example, if someone is good at presentations and is only praised for that, it can become a bit wearisome. We all have lots of skills and talents and so we can make a choice. The truth is that we can say ‘no thanks’ although in practice I have found a polite way to reject a stroke is to say “Thanks for your comment and what else do I do well?” This encourages the other person to think a bit more deeply and I get another stroke!

Our Task For This Week

We can ask ourself which one(s) of the above Dont’s we carry around and give ourself permission to change. We can give strokes to others and ourself, ask for them, accept them and reject them. This week choose to give out more strokes and ask for ones and see how life and work feels a bit better. If you’re leading a team make a point of giving them some positive feedback and remember that a stroke doesn’t have to be verbal. A smile, a hug, a box of cream cakes, an extra long tea break… these are all strokes that people value and enjoy. What can you say, or do, this week to someone to make them smile and feel appreciated? Who do you tend to overlook who could do with a stroke?

Next Week

Job Hunting 3.0 is published on 15th June so to tie in with this I will preview the book over the next few weeks, starting next Monday with some juicy CV writing tips. Beat the competition by following this blog each Monday.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would enjoy these blog posts please forward this to them. If you want to get the blog by email remember to use the Subscribe box on the homepage.

Did You Know?

I work with clients through my business, Primary People, that specialises in organisational and personal development with a TA twist. We’re looking for two new coaching clients at the moment, so contact me if you, or a colleague, are facing leadership challenges, or are stuck with a dilemma.

Tags: stroke, tip, Transactional Analysis

Motivating your team the Soho way. Just a roll for me thanks...

A stroke is a unit of recognition, in Transactional Analysis terms: A wave, a frown, a handshake, a smile, a cross look, a hug, a pat on the pack. Strokes flow out of the words we use, they way we make eye contact and the body language which tells someone we’ve noticed them. Do we smile or scowl? Congratulate or condemn? Praise or persecute? Given that we get the behaviour we stroke, when we think about our daily work in organisations it can be useful to pause for a moment and consider how we stroke people. Please have a look at the five types of strokes below. Which ones will you be giving out this week?

5 Types of Strokes

1. Unconditional Positive strokes. When we love, or appreciate, someone for just being there. These can be really intense and rewarding. Think of the times you’ve told someone you’ve loved them, or at work brought doughnuts for your friends, just because you like working with them.

2. Conditional Positive strokes.When we praise someone for doing something. They’re called ‘conditional’ because you have to do something to merit them. These are great strokes and it always saddens me when I meet leaders who say: “I don’t need to tell my team they’re doing a good job; they know  I think that.” Yeah right…unless you happen to be President of the Mind Readers Association, people need to be told and told often. (A tip: you can also encourage thinking by stroking ideas and creativity).

3. Conditional Negative strokes. These are the opposite of the ones above. Think of all the times you’ve berated people for poor workmanship, or lacklustre attention to detail. These are all still strokes, just not very nice ones to have.

4. Unconditional Negative strokes.These are where sexism, ageism, racism etc sit; where we get criticised for something out of our control. Ever said: “Blondes/Young people/Foreigners are stupid?” In this example the person can’t help being blonde/young/foreign…they just are. These are nasty strokes. You should avoid them.

5. Plastic strokes. At the start they feel good, but they end in a nasty little qualifying comment, which leaves a whiplash sting to them. There’s no need to qualify a positive stroke; just say it and stop. For example, if you’ve heard someone say; “That was a great job…for a graduate/man/women/junior” the stroke would have felt grudging. If you know people who do this and excuse it as “It’s only my sense of humour” then perhaps enlighten them. Plastic strokes are like plastic food; they look tasty, but are are inedible. All people have to do is say: “That was a great job.”

The more we encourage people with positive strokes the more they will seek them out, like a plant growing towards the light. As leaders, friends, sales people, professionals and partners we can change behaviour by changing the way we stroke people. It really can be that easy.

Next Week

In next week’s post we’ll meet the brainchild of Claude Steiner: The Stroke Economy, and will find five ways we limit our stroking patterns.

Pass It On

Please forward this blog to two people who you think would find this interesting. Thank you, for the strokes!

Coming Soon

Mini ebooks and the next big book: Job Hunting 3.0 (Secrets and skills to sell yourself effectively in the modern age). Watch the blog for more information.

That’s all for this week… I’m off to stroke someone (probably me).

Tags: stroke, tip, Transactional Analysis

Look down dear, I'm over here!

A cheery story came my way last week when a colleague emailed to let me know that he had finally secured a full time job and was grateful for my help. I banked the stroke and being a curious fish, asked what I had done that had really made a difference. He instantly replied:

“Well, it sounds mad, but it was Crow really. He reminded me to keep making eye contact with people and when I had a panel of three managers at my second interview it went really well.”

Eye Contact Counts

Oh yes, the power of the Crow. He came along to a couple of my lectures and squawked when people ignored him during their Minute to Win It*. This managed to put delegates off their stride, which was the point really, because there’s no point in talking if you don’t make eye contact; your words are mostly missing their target.

Good eye contact has a gentle rhythm to it of 1-2-3-move 1-2-3-move, which means holding contact for three ‘beats’ and then bobbing on to the next person in the room. If there’s just the two of you then you can avoid staring by looking down as you write a note, or by looking away whilst you think, making sure to look back in order to deliver your answer with enthusiasm.

The power of the Crow was really to provide my colleague with a strong memory that served as an anchor for positive behaviour when under pressure. I shared the stroke with Crow and he was happy. After all, it’s not everyday you help someone get a job when you’re a shaggy black bird (not a shaggy blackbird).

So, the next time you are in a meeting, about to start an interview, or pitching your product to people, remember the Crow. You don’t want to get squawked at do you?

Has This Raised Issues for You?

If you know someone who needs to improve the way they make eye contact and would like to meet Crow he can be contacted through Richard by clicking here. All coaching is confidential and all workshops run the risk of being fun.

*A Minute to Win It is a very effective way to sell yourself, or a product, or a service. There’s more information in the book Job Hunting 3.0 which will be published on 15th June. Subscribe to the blog for updates and free downloads.

Tags: Job Hunting, story, stroke, tip

One way to be heard...or you could tweet

I was asked this question at a recent workshop and my answer was; it’s a stroke rich environment. Simples.

In Transactional Analysis a ‘stroke’ is defined as a unit of recognition and we all have a need for recognition as an essential human hunger (Berne, 1966). I know the term ‘stroke’ has a medical meaning, but in this context it refers to the act of recognising our self or others. Think of it like stroking a cat; if you move from head to tail you might get a little buzzy purr and a happy kitty. Go from tail to head and you can lose a finger. Cats know all about strokes!

Twitter provides us (I like tweeting) with a chance to be heard and to be acknowledged. We don’t have to be saying anything smart, we can just be present and can have our existence validated.

All of the smiles we get, the banter and the electronic ‘hugs’ are real and genuine strokes. People on Twitter bank them, share them and relive them as their timeline flows and people comment and laugh and cry together.

If you’re sitting at home looking for a job, or in an office on your own, or raising children, or simply wading through the daily treacle of life, you too can have as many healthy strokes as you need.

Twitter is for real people. It works because when you write something you are noticing yourself first and that’s a good source of strokes. It works because you can have company when you’re physically isolated (stroke deprived). It works because people hand out strokes freely and the networks of Tweeters support and encourage each other.

There’s a big bonus too. Increasingly people are using Twitter as a source of business because people buy from people and chatting is a great way to develop relationships. I’m not talking here about the spam from multi-level marketing organisations (mlm) who can make you rich by clicking here!! (If it was that easy would I be writing this and would you be reading it?) What I mean is good old fashioned networking; talking to people, making friends, gaining trust and then doing business.

All these strokes can be great for our health and well-being and for our bank balance too.

And you can have all this for free. Twitter works because real people can really be present and get real, healthy strokes. Find me on Twitter at @RichardMaun and tell me what strokes you need. We can have a Twitter #strokeparty.

Tags: How To, stroke, Transactional Analysis, Twitter