Author: admin

Although friends can mean well and jolly us along during tough times, it can be helpful to know that real sadness is a real emotion and worth exploring. There are reputed to be four basic emotions – happy / sad / mad (angry) / scared – which underpin all the other combinations. These are genuine corners of our soul and we can help ourselves to be a rounded and grounded person by getting in touch with all of them.

However, people often display what’s called racket behaviours. A racket is a protection racket, where we project an emotion that is socially acceptable in order to shield us from distain if we reveal the truth underneath.

Many people show anger when they really feel sadness. Often because in their upbringing crying equals weakness, but it’s ok to be angry and shout at someone, because that shows strength! Other people cry when they are scared, and so their friends soothe them, without ever discovering what the scare was about and offering grounded commentary, facts and options to help their chum make progress.

This is the joy of sadness – if we are sad then we can feel it, look at it and share it, with people we trust. Sadness is often overlaid by anger, so the next time your friend is angry, wonder what’s really going on for them.

I’ve learned that sadness is part of love and I’d rather take both than have neither.

What could you share with a special friend?

Next week: Self Soothing For Beginners

In my world of Transactional Analysis being vulnerable is a good thing. It means allowing yourself to share what’s important (when you’re in a safe space) and in doing so to have a chance to grow. I realise that in the wider world ‘being vulnerable’ can mean many things in many settings.

I made a decision many years ago that when having supervision on my work (always a great way to learn) that I’d be open about my fears and mistakes and successes and my own pride at the work I do. All of this counts and when we take a chance with someone who is safe we allow ourselves to grow.

So it is with my ukulele. It’s an Ibanez concert sized semi-acoustic beauty with a spelted-ash body and the ability to sound bluesy, funny, rocky and soft-hearted. Last year I took it outside and played to the swans on the river. They didn’t seem to mind so then I took it to a little TA workshop and played it there. People liked it. So, two weeks ago I took it to a conference and at 4.00am bought it down to the bar and busked happily whilst my friends chatted.

Ok, you might say so 4.00am (yes really) is a quiet time, but it was a public space and there was no mistaking that someone was playing quietly in the bar (no need to be loud and wake people). I was nervous at first, I think we all get hooked back to being young and those first moments on stage in the school Nativity. My friends applauded and I realised they had been listening as they chatted and were enjoying the background music. Correction, not the music, my music.

I had allowed myself to be vulnerable with my friends and in doing so my confidence grew a bit as I realised that my café busking style of playing is really quite good. Go me!

We can all find a safe space to share and show off our stuff. If you lack one then feel free to get in touch – Skype coaching with heart (TA is a safe way to share) is a click away! I promise I wont play any uke down the line at you!

Next week: The Joy of Sadness