Author: admin

Given how people value two it’s surprising how often they focus on one.

We know that two heads are better than one when problem solving. That a companion makes for a more interesting day out and that two can live as cheaply as one.

Yet when we are giving feedback, or wanting to be heard, we often go for one.

One clinching argument. One killer fact. One piece of feedback, that we feel we really have to share, often with no thought to the consequences.

Two has balance and one has imbalance. How many of us own a unicycle? A bicycle makes so much more sense and is a much more comfortable way to get to work.

We love balance and instinctively feel happier with it. Two is more useful and has more power to it.

If we want to be heard then it’s a useful thing to do to offer two comments, so that we deliver a balance of information to the other party. In the same way that it’s easier to eat a meal with a knife and fork.

When I’m coaching, part of the work is to offer insights and thoughtful feedback, to raise awareness and spark new thoughts in my clients.

What I often do is hold out both hands, palms upwards, as if each one is offering a small gift. Then I might say something like this…

“Two things can exist at once. On this side (wiggle right hand) you are clearly working hard and have good intentions. One this side (wiggle left hand) your current performance is below that expected by the organisation. Both of these things exist at the same time, so let’s explore both.”

The client tends to smile at the truth in my words. People tend to have good intentions and want to think well of themselves. At the same time they often know when they are underperforming, so having it literally and figuratively pointed out to them means they have to be present centred and acknowledge it.

We then have a much more productive conversation because the whole truth is out now, on the table.

People are more accepting of the whole truth, as to take one comment, means they have to take both. They can’t choose…both things exist at the same time.

We can use this technique to be heard in any number of ways. From a parenting perspective I might say…

“You are a lovely child and I love you very much. And it is time for bed now so please tidy up.”

There’s a comfort in this balance, which means the words are more likely to be heard and acted upon. It seems much more gentle to me to say both phrases, than simply bark out “bed time!”

Two has equality and it’s lovely to be honest in this way, whether giving feedback, making a point, or simply hustling the children off to bed, so we can finally relax and have that glass of wine we’ve been promising ourselves all day!

(Maybe two glasses of wine!)

So, this week we can all have fun by tapping into the power of two!

Next week: The Mint Tea Story

Here’s a fun thing …how many pop songs can you think of with the word ‘no’ the title?

My favourite would be ‘Nobody Does It Better’ by Carly Simon. The theme track to one of my favourite Bond films. I’m aware it has the word ‘nobody’ in it, but I set the rules here and I say we can all be creative.

Can you think of 5 or more songs?

No is such a useful word. One of the best things a parent can (and should do) is to say no to their children. Boundaries are important and when kids cross them they need to know they have done so. They also need to know that the sun doesn’t shine out of their baby buggy.

We are all important and I believe it’s healthy if we all take a turn at being No.1 …children learn to give as well as take when we do this.

Song writers often opine that breaking up is hard to do. However, in the days of online dating, breaking up can be surprisingly easy. Mind you ‘I’m breaking up with you with a short text and sad face emoji’ isn’t such a snappy song title, even if it is often the way of the modern world.

Using dating as an example we may have to say no to several people, before we say yes to the one we really want to be with. If we can’t say no …life could be interesting!

So then, no has many uses, but saying it can be tricky. I’ve been saying no to things recently, in order to create space and avoid tripping over myself in my rush to sort out work and life.

I’ve said no by delaying. As in: Yes please and can we do that in September?

I’ve said no by being firm. As in: No…I’ve said we will go to the shop tomorrow and we will be going tomorrow and not today.

I’ve said no by being me. As in: No thanks I’m happy as I am.

This last example is interesting. We are important and saying no is a brilliant way to reaffirm that we are. Oh and we really are!

People may push on this from time to time and throw their psychological stuff in our face. They may even have good intentions, as most people do.

Even if their motivation is positive it doesnt mean they are right, or know what we want, or understand us.

Saying no simply means; here is my boundary and I do not wish you to cross it at this time.

We can love someone and still say no. Two things can exist at once!

What positive techniques do you use to say no to people? Or, who can you borrow from and use their techniques?

Next week we will be looking more at two things existing at once. A surprisingly useful concept and one of my favourite coaching tools.

So …can you wait for next week? No! (Sounds of the audience laughing and groaning). Have fun!

Next week: The Power Of Two!