Author: admin

It’s a truism to say that from the moment we wake up, to the moment we fall asleep, we are under a stress load.

Up, shower, breakfast, hussle to work, wonder if we locked the front door, did we forget to let the cat out, are we going to be called out on that email we haven’t quite got round to answering yet?

Work, life, home, kids, money. All going round in our heads all the time.

Not always bad of course, but always there.

There is always something to think about and plan for and make a decision about.

Unless we are on the beach, under a warm sun and pleasantly anesthetized by a couple of glasses of lunchtime wine, then we are definitely a bit stressed all of the time.

It’s important to recognise this.

We learned as young people how to stay safe in the world. Perhaps by always being helpful, or by never making mistakes, or by never showing emotion. Nobody taught us what to do, we simply worked it out for ourselves in our family unit.

Now we are adults we tend to replay these behaviours, without really noticing that we are doing so. We are just being ourselves.

However, as life gets busy and our stresses pile up, we can get ourselves stuck ‘inside the washing machine.’

On the inside we go round and round, unable to open the door. We are dizzy.

Our behaviour may start to get a little crazy. We may shout at people who ask us a reasonable question. We may start more and more projects and go into a kind of overworking mania. We might find ourselves in the middle of a supermarket and wonder what we came in to buy.

When we experience these extremes it’s important to find a way to notice them. They are clues that something really isn’t right. We cannot dismiss them as ‘just a bad day’ because to do so means ignoring our rising stress levels.

If we see them in a loved one then we need to be persistent and find out what is going on and not accept ‘oh I have a bit of a headache’ as an acceptable answer.

If we don’t account for the true level of our stress then we may be heading for a cliff edge. If we don’t take ourselves seriously then the wheels may come off and we might crash into a metaphorical ditch, or go over the cliff.

There is no shame in being stressed, or overwhelmed by life and all that it throws at us.

We do not need to feel humiliated that we cannot cope.

Coping can be the worst thing, because it invites us to keep going, when what we really need is to stop, or get help, or have a rest.

We cannot open the door to our own personal washing machine. We need to call a friend and ask them to do it for us. Maybe they will give us a hug and pour us a nice cup of tea. (Tea isn’t going to solve anything, but it is a pretty good place to start).

Being stressed is being human.

Accounting for it is a grown up thing to do.

We all have to learn to grow up again and be the adults our younger selves always wanted us to be.

There’s no need to struggle on alone and no shame in asking for help.

If you know someone who is very stressed then be a friend to them. Go and get the kettle on. Help them to get out of the washing machine.

Or, if that sounds too much for you, then show them this blog and invite them to be honest with themselves.

If they need professional support then they’re welcome to get in touch with me, or any other suitable professional.

Talking cures are a joy. Often hard to start and yet when the words flow, the tension eases and life seems a better place.

We owe it to ourselves to account for the stress we are really feeling.

We can all find a way to take care of ourselves.

Next week: The Easy Tree

We negotiate all the time. With our partners, to decide whose turn it is to cook. With our children, when they want more sweets. With ourselves even, when we’re out shopping and we see a pair of ‘must have’ shoes.

Business is no different, apart from the sweets and shoes maybe.

We have to agree prices and delivery dates, agree work tasks with colleagues and juggle the budget to pay for essential items.

It could be said that a life in business is a life of negotiation.

I recently ran a negotiation skills workshop for a group (please message if you think your colleagues would benefit from it too), where we mixed language skills with behavioural cleverness. Always good to look under the bonnet and see how things really work! We also looked at dirty tricks. because forewarned is fore-armed.

Rather than offer constructive tips here, the course can do that when you book one, I thought it would be fun to list some of the dirty tricks people can play.

My top three would be:

1. Silence. Although it’s good to give people space to talk, too much silence quickly unsettles us. We tend to panic and over-talk, filling the room with all the things that are on our mind. Things we promised ourselves we’d never say. If you think someone isn’t responding then ask them a question. That puts the onus back on them and we can enjoy holding the silence instead.

2. Aggression. Workplace bullying often appears around the negotiating table. Instead of reasoned debate, the other side try to brow beat us into submission. Perhaps with threats of dire consequences if we don’t sign on the line. We can deal with this easily by saying; I see you’re agitated, is there something you’re worried about? That fronts up their behaviour and the question invites them to take responsibility for their actions.

3. Surprise! This can take the form of new information, introduced at the last minute, or the door is flung open and their CEO strides in. Both of these tactics are designed to throw us off track. With new information we can ask the relevance of it, or simply brush it to one side, by saying; how interesting, I will tell my manager, now back to the point we were discussing. When the CEO walks in we can remember that they are just another human like us, with a mortgage and kids and as equally anonymous in their local supermarket as we are. This reality check keeps us grounded and we can smile and carry on with our presentation.

A dirty trick may also involve no refreshment breaks. A UK ambassador recalled a session with the Russians. The negotiations dragged on and the British were getting tired and hungry. Noticing this, the Russians laughed and said how they had enjoyed a fine lunch beforehand. Things did not go well that day for our team.

The next time the two parties met, the British had lunch first and then allowed the discussion to flow on. This time the Russians were getting uncomfortable. Noticing this, the British ambassador called to his aide, who passed across his leather briefcase.

The Russians were curious. What was this? A secret weapon?

Well, yes.

The ambassador open his case and with a flourish produced sandwiches and a flask of tea. The British munched happily and the Russians were wrong-footed, appalled at the deviousness of the British.

Sometimes successful negotiations can hinge on a cheese and pickle sandwich.

Life can be so simple at times!

If you are subject to dirty tricks then don’t despair. Take a breath, go to the bathroom if needed to get a break, focus on asking a good question and then carry on. Or just unpack your emergency sandwiches!

Next week: Accounting For Stress