Richard Maun

Tag: Transactional Analysis

  • Yes And… And If…

    Is your language taking you up the stairs, or are you stuck at the bottom?
    Is your language moving you up the stairs, or are you stuck at the bottom?

    There is a game we all play at one time or another with people, which limits our horizons and is used to keep ourselves in a stuck place. A game that is a psychological version of ‘talk to the hand’. The game is called: Yes, but…

    For example, I was working with someone who wanted to start their own business and to date, they had made no real progress. Part of the conversation went like this:

    Me: So, you could borrow some money as start up capital…

    Client: Yes I could, but the bank will never lend it to me.

    Me: Or you could increase your mortgage and use the cash to get you started…

    Client: That’s a good idea, but my partner will never agree to it.

    Me: Have you asked her yet?

    Client: No, not yet. I suppose I could ask her, but she would just say no.

    Can you see what’s happening here? Can you feel my rising frustration?

    Games Tend To Repeat

    A game can be defined as a ‘series of transactions that lead to a predictable negative payoff’. Or to put it another way, you sense that you’re getting nowhere and an argument develops. Many people get cross about the same situation, on a repeating basis, and can have a strong feeling of ‘here we go again’. People do this partly because it’s out of awareness and partly because of the all the intense strokes that are generated. (We will talk more about games in the coming weeks as it’s a central part of Transactional Analysis and a good way to spot and change organisational culture and team dynamics). In the story above, the client was appearing to agree to each suggestion and in reality they were not; they were exhibiting mildly passive-aggressive behaviour and were staying stuck because they were putting their energy into finding fault and seeing the negatives. Why people do this is a subject in its own right, so for now we can concentrate on the words used to get round it.

    If we sense that someone is playing Yes,but… with us then we have a couple of choices:

    1. Stop doing their thinking for them.

    2. Change our words.

    1) Stop Our Thinking

    In the example about setting up in business I was doing the thinking for the other person, which makes it possible for them to rubbish my idea. This can be an easy trap to fall into and if a client is doing this I will stop the conversation and say something like:

    ‘Look, I feel that I’m doing the thinking here for you. What ideas do you have to raise the money you need?’

    This gets the client to think for themself and then they are less likely to dismiss their own ideas out of hand. I also keep silent, so that they have to break the silence with their thoughts, which is a powerful way to really put people on the spot and get their brain working.

    2) Change Our Words

    A great way to get people moving is to change the words from Yes, but… to either Yes, and… or And, if…

    You want to start writing a blog and you don’t know how? Well, yes you can do it and you could talk to someone who already blogs, and if you did that it might increase your knowledge, and if that happened you would feel more confident, and if you feel more confident you’re more likely to make a great start…(and so on). Instantly the use of a couple of key words changes the conversation from a dull plodding one, into a hopeful, soaring, creative and inspiring one.

    Have  look at the sample conversation from earlier and ask yourself how I could have used ‘And, if…’ to set the conversation off on a different direction?

    Small Tools

    Increasingly I’m finding that the some of the best bits of technique are the tiny tools. The odd words, or phrases, that we use repeatedly and which make a large difference. I think of these as the communications equivalent of the plastic screwdriver sets you sometimes get in a Christmas cracker (only 167 shopping days to go) …they look flimsy and yet they work a treat and are handy little things to have around.

    The next time you get sucked into a Yes, but… game, stop and change the words you’re using. It could change your life, or at least just give you a happier day!

    Our Task For This Week

    Listen out for Yes, but… conversations that we might be having with other people. When do we need to stop being passive and to start using And, if… to help ourselves make progress?

    FREESample Book…had lots of great feedback so far!

    Do you know someone who is looking for work and needs a hand? Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me, subscribe to the blog, or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

    Pass It On

    If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

    By The Way… FREE CRANFIELD COURSE ANYONE?

    +++NEWS we’re still collecting CVs and places are filling up so please apply quickly+++ At Cranfield University we’re running an Enhanced Personal Development Programme, starting 3rd September and lasting for 4 weeks. If you know someone who is unemployed (or about to be made redundant) and who would like to learn about job hunting skills, management skills and have fun on a real consultancy project then contact me now. Places are limited and an opportunity to spend 4 weeks full-time at one of the best universities in the world is not to be missed. I’m the Programme Director and one of the lecturers, so I can vouch for the excellence of it!

    Thank you for reading to the end and enjoy spotting those Yes, but… games!

    Next week is a story about poor customer service and icecream. 99 with a flake, anyone?

  • The World of Behavioural Strokes (Part 2)

    Remember! Rabbits need strokes, not washing.
    Remember! Rabbits need stroking, not washing.

    Last week in Part 1 we met five types of stroke (units of recognition) that we can give out to people and can get back from them. Strokes, as a term from Transactional Analysis, are the nourishment we need to live by and prosper. They fuel our days and propel us towards greatness. And they can stop us in our tracks, or leave us feeling unloved and ignored. What’s really interesting for me though is how we learn to limit how we use them. They’re free, you can carry an infinite amount in your pocket and they are the bedrock of happy fulfilling relationships at home and at work. So why is it that we often keep hold of strokes, or only give them grudgingly?

    The Stroke Economy

    Claude Steiner, one of the early developers of Transactional Analysis, suggested we learn to limit strokes and that our early years environment shapes the ‘rules’ we carry around in our heads. He called this ‘The Stroke Economy.’ What this means in practice is that we tend to uphold one or more of the following five injunctions (beliefs that limit our freedom to act):

    1. Don’t Give Strokes to Others. If you tell people what they have done well they will want to be told more often, or they might think that you’re after something. You should only give out strokes sparingly! The truth is that you can give strokes to other people! The reality is that it’s ok to praise people, or to tell them what they’ve done well and that these people won’t take advantage of you. Think about who is important to you and ask yourself who you could stroke more often?

    2. Don’t Give Stokes to Yourself. Self praise is no praise. Modesty is a virtue. Don’t stand out. Don’t blow your own trumpet. These kind of beliefs are well meaning and can get in the way. The truth is that you can stroke yourself. It’s ok to give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, or treat yourself, or simply enjoy your talents and skills.

    3. Don’t Ask for Strokes. If you ask for a compliment or perhaps for a hug, people may be suspicious of you and think that you’re ‘needy’. Clearly, if you ask for a kiss and get it, that counts less than if your partner reads your mind and gives you one by surprise. Right? Wrong! The truth is that you can ask for what you need. If you ask someone to pay you a compliment, or give you some positive feedback, and they do and are sincere, then the strokes are real and as powerful as if you received them by surprise. It’s ok to ask and to receive. Next time you want a hug, don’t sit there and pout…ask for one!

    4. Don’t Accept Strokes. If someone says “Well done” the temptation is to brush it off and be modest. “Oh it was nothing,” you might reply, or emphasize that the team did some good work whilst you sat in the background. You might even ask for a compliment and when you get it you toss it aside with a disbelieving sniff. Of course the truth is that you can accept strokes. “Thank you” often suffices and personally I quite enjoy getting them and stuffing them into my ‘stroke bank’. (Think of this as a piggy bank, where you can store strokes and replay them later for added smiles). Have fun accepting strokes…you pump fuel into your car, so what’s wrong with taking on board some nourishment for yourself?

    5. Don’t Reject Strokes. Some people feel that they always have to accept all the feedback that is given to them and perhaps even become recognised for one particular trait or talent. For example, if someone is good at presentations and is only praised for that, it can become a bit wearisome. We all have lots of skills and talents and so we can make a choice. The truth is that we can say ‘no thanks’ although in practice I have found a polite way to reject a stroke is to say “Thanks for your comment and what else do I do well?” This encourages the other person to think a bit more deeply and I get another stroke!

    Our Task For This Week

    We can ask ourself which one(s) of the above Dont’s we carry around and give ourself permission to change. We can give strokes to others and ourself, ask for them, accept them and reject them. This week choose to give out more strokes and ask for ones and see how life and work feels a bit better. If you’re leading a team make a point of giving them some positive feedback and remember that a stroke doesn’t have to be verbal. A smile, a hug, a box of cream cakes, an extra long tea break… these are all strokes that people value and enjoy. What can you say, or do, this week to someone to make them smile and feel appreciated? Who do you tend to overlook who could do with a stroke?

    Next Week

    Job Hunting 3.0 is published on 15th June so to tie in with this I will preview the book over the next few weeks, starting next Monday with some juicy CV writing tips. Beat the competition by following this blog each Monday.

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    Did You Know?

    I work with clients through my business, Primary People, that specialises in organisational and personal development with a TA twist. We’re looking for two new coaching clients at the moment, so contact me if you, or a colleague, are facing leadership challenges, or are stuck with a dilemma.