Here's a cafe in Mississippi. How would they have handled the order?

Here is a tricky problem to solve: Imagine you’re a shop assistant in a cafe, on a hot day, working hard to keep tourists refreshed and topped up with tea and scones. A new customer walks in and asks for a hot sausage roll and a scoop of maple and pecan icecream. How do you handle this testing order? Do you:

a) Serve the icecream first, then ask your colleague how the till works and fart about pushing buttons, then remember to heat the sausage roll and hand it to an increasingly agitated customer?

b) Stop and think about what would be a sensible order to process this request?

c) Heat the sausage roll, take the money whilst it’s in the oven and then serve the icecream last?

Well if you answered b) or c) then you’re right, whereas when this happened to me a couple of weeks ago the assistant plumped for a). Which was teeth grittingly irritating to be a part of. Fortunately the icecream hadn’t all turned into soup by the time I made it back to my office, so no lasting damage was done, but it did remind me about the Adult Ego State.

Here And Now Awareness

Put simply; when we’re grounded, rational, alert to our environment, fact finding, questioning and/or cycling through options to solve problems then it’s likely that we’re in our Adult Ego State. By contrast, if we’re using ‘gut instinct’ to solve a problem then we’re probably in our Child, and if we’re know what we ’should do’ then our Parent is likely to be switched on.

It’s useful to know about the Adult, because when we have to solve problems it’s easy to discount (overlook, or twist) facts and that can be fatal. When we’re in Adult we act like a dogged sleuth and piece together the jigsaw of available information, check out assumptions and remain open to new ways of thinking.

Ask A Question

If we want to move ourselves or a colleague into their Adult (perhaps from a sulky Child place) the way to do it is to ask a question. Questions invite us to think, and thinking invites us to gather and process information. Sounds obvious perhaps, and knowing how to ‘move’ people is a useful skill to have as you can stop arguments and enable people to make better quality decisions.

A Myth

It used to be suggested that Adult was so good that you needed to stay in it all times, which is both almost impossible to achive and therefore nonsense. To be effective in work and life we need to value and use the good bits from all our Ego States. Over-use of Adult can make us sound like Metal Mickey (remember him?) and if you want to have fun then head for your Child energy and enjoy yourself. That’s not to say that Adult is a place devoid of emotion. Far from it. If you’re in a fire, for example, you’re going to be pretty stressed, just take a breath and think about what you need to do, rather than running about screaming uselessly.

Be A Detective

Eric Berne observed behaviour and identified the ‘here and now’ thoughts, feelings and actions we he characterised as the Adult Ego State. If we want to be successful in our lives, one way is to learn from him and to use the squidgy stuff between our ears to gather and process information in a grounded, rational and objective way. I think of this as ‘being a detective’ and we call don a trenchcoat and be Columbo from time to time. Or if you prefer; attach a little moustache and have fun recreating Monsiour Poirot.

We can all be detectives and we can all ask questions and check out the facts, in order to solve problems. Or, to put it another way, in the cafe of life we can use our Adult Ego State to serve the hot sausage roll of fate after the icecream of destiny….

Our Task For This Week

Is to…use Adult to gently challenge someone by asking about the facts supporting their call for action…

Amazon Review

Job Hunting 3.0 has had it’s second review now (thank you again) and if you have read the book please do add your comments to Amazon as they make a difference. Just click here – thank you!

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Thank you for reading to the end…

Next week is about five ways to defuse an argument; essential holiday reading!

One way to play with cards! What does your Parent say though?

There are many ways that we can interact with eachother and now that school’s out for the summer there will be many families who witness more whinging, sulking and general grousing. And that’s just from mum and dad….

…you can almost smell the Child Ego State at work here and when we think about being in our Parent or our Child there are four typical ways people tend to communicate. Of course there are always nuances of behaviour and complex conversations, so all we’re doing here is taking a fat brush to conversations and painting them in four big stripes.

1) Parent to Parent
Arguing over who’s in charge, or who really knows best…you see this in the school playground when two mums tell eachother how they would run the school. Also, this is often seen when two managers at work are talking at (not to) each other to establish who is top dog.

2) Parent to Child
Telling someone what to do and expecting them to be a good boy/girl and get on with it. This is sometimes disguised as ‘asking’ and can still be telling…this is what my Child tends to rebel against, when it has flounced off in a huff, to sulk for a bit. Telling and asking can also be friendly and supportive, so we don’t want to think of things as just being negative. Likewise, when we’re taking care of our team, or partner, it’s likely that our Parent is addressing their Child.

3) Child to Parent
If we’re unsure, nervous, unwell, or need someone to guide us it’s quite likely that in our Child we will hook the other person’s Parent, so that they take the leadership position and sort things out for us. I’ve seen an unhealthy example in an office recently, where an Assistant kept using her ‘lost and confused’ look to snag a Manager into doing the work for her. Sometimes our need to be looked after is genuine and healthy and sometimes we might simply be avoiding taking responsibility ourselves.

4) Child to Child
Ever played with your partner (you can define ‘play’), or had a joke at work? Of course you have and these are classic interactions where our natural Child energy is there for all to see. Being creative, solving problems with intuition, having fun, or perhaps crying together, are all examples of when we’re all in our Child Ego State. Watch out though after a hard day at work, when both of you are in your Child and looking for someone to be the Parent and do the looking after…’No, you cook dinner!’…’NO! It’s your turn to do dinner!!’ …sound familiar?

Once we can see what is happening we can make decisions to continue or to change. Do we keep playing, or do we cook dinner, or take the lead, or ask for help? We can enjoy noticing how well we communicate with others and can stop and do things differently if we feel things spiralling into an argument.

When we’re tired or stressed it’s likely that we will be in either our Parent or our Child and so given the nature or looking after the kids for six weeks, or going ‘on holiday to relax’ many of us will have ample opportunity to spot patterns of Ego State behaviour over the summer. The trick here is to be honest and to ask for what we need from those around us. Even if that means asking the kids to prepare dinner once in a while!*

Our Task For This Week

Is to…have fun noticing Ego States. Perhaps watch EastEnders….who is in their Parent and who is in their Child?

Amazon Review

Job Hunting 3.0 has had it’s first review (thank you) and if you have read the book please do add your review to Amazon as they make a difference. Just click here – thank you!

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Thank you for reading to the end…

Next week is about the Adult Ego State and part two of ‘Icecream Story’…

*Assuming you’re not expecting a five year old to rustle up anything too fancy!

This finger belongs to Queen Victoria. Who is pointing the finger at you in your head?

Here’s a dilemma: Should I go to the beach or stay in and do some work? Naturally my Child wants to go and play and yet there’s a voice in my head that whispers caution…it would make sense to take advantage of a quiet house. I could get some work done and then have some time off to play. I ought to use the opportunity and tick off a couple of items on my to-do list…

When you re-read that dilemma it looks like you can ‘hear’ two people struggling to get their point across. In my Child Ego State I want to go and build sand castles and the other voice is my Parent Ego State, which is telling me what really is the best thing to do.

Who Is In Your Head?

The term ‘Parent Ego State’ refers to the collection of other people who have influenced us and who we carry around in our head. We carry their words and phrases and ways of thinking around with us and when we replay them, we’re said to be in our Parent Ego State. So, when I’m saying to myself that ‘I should be doing some work’ what I’m doing (in TA terms) is replaying a tape of Mum, or Dad encouraging me to work. Our heads are full of the voices from the past and we take them on board by a process called Introjection, which means we just absorbed them in directly without considering their meaning or purpose. We tend to do this at a young age and most of the tapes relate to the key influences we had at that time. Perhaps our family, our first teacher, a neighbour, or aunt or big brother all left their mark on us. Because we were young we didn’t question what we heard we just sucked it up and added it to our store of memories.

Leadership And Taking Care

Now that we’re ‘grown ups’ we use these people to guide us and sometimes they’re helpful. We follow their rules and use their advice to make decisions. We copy what they did (or said to do) to take care of ourselves and others. Sometimes we need a bit of leadership and sometimes we need to look after people, so these influences can be helpful to have.

However…

We might also carry around rubbish. We might have too many rules and these limit our freedom to act, or set restrictions on how we can have fun. We might have learned to take care of people by ’smothering’ them with love or affection, or by telling them what to do before they’ve had a chance to ask for help. This isn’t a great way of taking care and is often the root cause of well meaning, but patronising behaviour.

The chances are that we all have a few rocks in our head and part of life is about recognising them, smiling when we trip over one and then doing what makes sense to us now. Often when we use the words should, ought, must we are in our Parent Ego State and are trotting out someone else’s wisdom, or rules.

So What?

Knowing about Ego States is useful because we can think about our behaviour and can decide to make changes. We can find new people to guide us, or can challenge what’s in our head and can stop doing the work and can build sand castles instead. That’s what I did on Sunday. And I had an icecream and I swam in the sea. It was great.

Eric Was Here First

I was asked by someone if I ‘credited Berne’s work’ in my Ego State-related posts sometimes, as Eric Berne was the founder of TA and someone who came up with many of the models. This was a real Parental instruction, the smugness of which instantly made my Child feel rebellious (my Child hates being out-smugged). So, in the spirit of rebellion I thought it would make a great blog post for next week: How the Parent and Child Ego States interact. Can you guess how they get on and how they get stroppy?

Eric Wasn’t Here First

Sadly for my credit-hound Berne didn’t invent Ego States, which is why I haven’t credited him as such. He based his work, and freely acknowledged it, on the ego psychology described mainly by Paul Federn and developed by Edoardo Weiss. What he did do was suggest that the archaic parent/child influences were also employed alongside a more grounded and rational position, which he called the Adult. We’ll meet the Adult Ego State in the future. He also drew some models and said lots of clever and thoughtful things and we love him for that too.

Our Task For This Week

Is to…spot one thing that we do, or don’t do, that is based on one of our Parental tapes. When we find the thing, we need to ask if it’s helpful, or if it is getting in the way and needs to be ejected. Listen out for the shoulds and oughts as they are often a big clue. Should we do that thing? Really???

Amazon Review

Job Hunting 3.0 has had it’s first review (thank you) and I’ve been told an excerpt is likley to be in the Sunday Times too, so that’s two good things to celebrate. If you have read the book please do add your review to Amazon as they make a difference. Just click here – thank you!

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

Thank you for reading to the end and remember to begin spotting when you’re in your Parent. If you want to, that is.

Next week is about when the Parent and Child battle it out…and get on sometimes.

Enjoy some swing time and get to know your Child

How do you sulk? Think for a moment and for fun have a go at answering that question. Do you pout, or huff, or stamp your feet, or give out moody looks, or sigh heavily, or say ‘yes’ but mean ‘no’….

We all sulk from time to time and when we do we tend to behave in the same way that we did as a small child. When we’re grown up this replaying of feelings, thoughts and behaviours from when we were small is called; being in our Child Ego State. This is sometimes shortened to ‘being in our Child.’

What is an Ego State?

Put simply, an Ego State is a metaphor for a collection of behaviours. Because we can’t see inside our heads we need to find ways of labelling clusters of related behaviours and the term ’Ego State’ does that for us. The Child Ego State refers to the collection of experiences we logged as a young person and which we now use as we make our way through life. Some estimates suggest that about 80% plus of our current behaviour is a repetition of our development up to the age of five or six, by which time we had learned how to play, solve problems, use social graces and table manners, have fun, be creative, be affectionate, get our own way and keep ourselves safe (from the scary big people). Or not. Or to a greater or lesser level.

We are Ourselves

We decided what information to take in, what worked for us and what to alter and the Child Ego State is an embodiment of ‘us’. This means that we might be different from our siblings, who although may have been raised in the same environment, decided on their own way of going about things. I think this is an important point because we are not simply a facsimile of our environment and parents – we have been influenced and we made choices for ourselves. Therefore, the implication is that we have to take responsibility for our actions and not try to pass the buck back down the family tree.

So What?

Knowing about Ego States is useful because they help us to act in awareness and either enjoy being ‘us’ or allow us to make changes to our behaviour. Pause for a moment and think about all the times when you may have been in your Child Ego State so far today? Some useful clues are:

1. When you felt young again.

2. When your were doing what you were told (or rebelling), or being carefree.

3. When your actions could be viewed as being similar to those of a five year old.

4. When you were being your own little self, just getting on with stuff in your way.

I have a large Child Ego State (people can vary in the size of theirs, relative to their other Ego States) and will muck about, choose my breakfast cereal based on how fun it looks, sing in the car on the way to a client and thoroughly resent being asked to do the washing up. In all of these bursts I am most definitely in my Child. I giggle when I’m writing a naughty word (bum) and I love the accurate use of foul language to get a laugh, make a point, or underscore a client’s miserable experience. This can be great fun, challenging and offensive. I have to work hard sometimes to rein it in and if you read my current book you will see there is no swearing, because that would be inappropriate. However, and the publisher hasn’t twigged yet, the book does contain odd words such as C3PO, Christmas, Cincinnati and a guest appearance by King Arthur, that I buried in there, purely for amusement. Knowing about my Child Ego State enabled me to do a thoroughly professional writing job and have a bit of fun at the same time.

That’s the point of the Ego States, which also include Parent and Adult. They are a fantastic framework for observing behaviour, mapping conversations, building teams, improving leadership styles and making long lasting developmental changes.

Our Task For This Week

Is to…spot our sulking and instead of wallowing, catch it and make decision to ask for what we need. We can choose to wash the dishes and be helpful and be positive about it. And we can ask for a hug, or bring cakes for our team and have some fun.

FREE Sample Book…at last a book written for the UK/European market!

Do you know someone who is looking for work and needs a hand? Or is about to be made redundant and needs to make a start in sorting out their CV? Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me, subscribe to the blog, or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

By The Way… FREE CRANFIELD COURSE ANYONE?

+++NEWS we’re still collecting CVs and places are filling up so please apply quickly+++ At Cranfield University we’re running an Enhanced Personal Development Programme, starting 3rd September and lasting for 4 weeks. If you know someone who is unemployed (or about to be made redundant) and who would like to learn about job hunting skills, management skills and have fun on a real consultancy project then contact me now. Places are limited and an opportunity to spend 4 weeks full-time at one of the best universities in the world is not to be missed. I’m the Programme Director and one of the lecturers, so I can vouch for the excellence of it!

Thank you for reading to the end and remember to begin spotting when you’re in your Child.

Next week is a brief introduction to the Parent Ego State…which is another archaic Ego State. We will meet the term: Introjected. It’s more interesting than it sounds, trust me.

Is your language moving you up the stairs, or are you stuck at the bottom?

There is a game we all play at one time or another with people, which limits our horizons and is used to keep ourselves in a stuck place. A game that is a psychological version of ‘talk to the hand’. The game is called: Yes, but…

For example, I was working with someone who wanted to start their own business and to date, they had made no real progress. Part of the conversation went like this:

Me: So, you could borrow some money as start up capital…

Client: Yes I could, but the bank will never lend it to me.

Me: Or you could increase your mortgage and use the cash to get you started…

Client: That’s a good idea, but my partner will never agree to it.

Me: Have you asked her yet?

Client: No, not yet. I suppose I could ask her, but she would just say no.

Can you see what’s happening here? Can you feel my rising frustration?

Games Tend To Repeat

A game can be defined as a ’series of transactions that lead to a predictable negative payoff’. Or to put it another way, you sense that you’re getting nowhere and an argument develops. Many people get cross about the same situation, on a repeating basis, and can have a strong feeling of ‘here we go again’. People do this partly because it’s out of awareness and partly because of the all the intense strokes that are generated. (We will talk more about games in the coming weeks as it’s a central part of Transactional Analysis and a good way to spot and change organisational culture and team dynamics). In the story above, the client was appearing to agree to each suggestion and in reality they were not; they were exhibiting mildly passive-aggressive behaviour and were staying stuck because they were putting their energy into finding fault and seeing the negatives. Why people do this is a subject in its own right, so for now we can concentrate on the words used to get round it.

If we sense that someone is playing Yes,but… with us then we have a couple of choices:

1. Stop doing their thinking for them.

2. Change our words.

1) Stop Our Thinking

In the example about setting up in business I was doing the thinking for the other person, which makes it possible for them to rubbish my idea. This can be an easy trap to fall into and if a client is doing this I will stop the conversation and say something like:

‘Look, I feel that I’m doing the thinking here for you. What ideas do you have to raise the money you need?’

This gets the client to think for themself and then they are less likely to dismiss their own ideas out of hand. I also keep silent, so that they have to break the silence with their thoughts, which is a powerful way to really put people on the spot and get their brain working.

2) Change Our Words

A great way to get people moving is to change the words from Yes, but… to either Yes, and… or And, if…

You want to start writing a blog and you don’t know how? Well, yes you can do it and you could talk to someone who already blogs, and if you did that it might increase your knowledge, and if that happened you would feel more confident, and if you feel more confident you’re more likely to make a great start…(and so on). Instantly the use of a couple of key words changes the conversation from a dull plodding one, into a hopeful, soaring, creative and inspiring one.

Have  look at the sample conversation from earlier and ask yourself how I could have used ‘And, if…’ to set the conversation off on a different direction?

Small Tools

Increasingly I’m finding that the some of the best bits of technique are the tiny tools. The odd words, or phrases, that we use repeatedly and which make a large difference. I think of these as the communications equivalent of the plastic screwdriver sets you sometimes get in a Christmas cracker (only 167 shopping days to go) …they look flimsy and yet they work a treat and are handy little things to have around.

The next time you get sucked into a Yes, but… game, stop and change the words you’re using. It could change your life, or at least just give you a happier day!

Our Task For This Week

Listen out for Yes, but… conversations that we might be having with other people. When do we need to stop being passive and to start using And, if… to help ourselves make progress?

FREESample Book…had lots of great feedback so far!

Do you know someone who is looking for work and needs a hand? Marshall Cavendish have put together a sample ebook of Job Hunting 3.0 which features the whole of the first section called ‘Getting Started’ and the whole of the final section called ‘Checklists’ containing (no surprises here) useful checklists full of interview questions, process tips and essential information for success. If you would like an exclusive copy; email me, subscribe to the blog, or use the contact box and I will zap a copy right back to you.

Pass It On

If you know someone who would be interested in this blog post please forward it to them, or ReTweet it, or let them know they can subscribe to regular emails via the box on the homepage.

By The Way… FREE CRANFIELD COURSE ANYONE?

+++NEWS we’re still collecting CVs and places are filling up so please apply quickly+++ At Cranfield University we’re running an Enhanced Personal Development Programme, starting 3rd September and lasting for 4 weeks. If you know someone who is unemployed (or about to be made redundant) and who would like to learn about job hunting skills, management skills and have fun on a real consultancy project then contact me now. Places are limited and an opportunity to spend 4 weeks full-time at one of the best universities in the world is not to be missed. I’m the Programme Director and one of the lecturers, so I can vouch for the excellence of it!

Thank you for reading to the end and enjoy spotting those Yes, but… games!

Next week is a story about poor customer service and icecream. 99 with a flake, anyone?

Remember! Rabbits need stroking, not washing.

Last week in Part 1 we met five types of stroke (units of recognition) that we can give out to people and can get back from them. Strokes, as a term from Transactional Analysis, are the nourishment we need to live by and prosper. They fuel our days and propel us towards greatness. And they can stop us in our tracks, or leave us feeling unloved and ignored. What’s really interesting for me though is how we learn to limit how we use them. They’re free, you can carry an infinite amount in your pocket and they are the bedrock of happy fulfilling relationships at home and at work. So why is it that we often keep hold of strokes, or only give them grudgingly?

The Stroke Economy

Claude Steiner, one of the early developers of Transactional Analysis, suggested we learn to limit strokes and that our early years environment shapes the ‘rules’ we carry around in our heads. He called this ‘The Stroke Economy.’ What this means in practice is that we tend to uphold one or more of the following five injunctions (beliefs that limit our freedom to act):

1. Don’t Give Strokes to Others. If you tell people what they have done well they will want to be told more often, or they might think that you’re after something. You should only give out strokes sparingly! The truth is that you can give strokes to other people! The reality is that it’s ok to praise people, or to tell them what they’ve done well and that these people won’t take advantage of you. Think about who is important to you and ask yourself who you could stroke more often?

2. Don’t Give Stokes to Yourself. Self praise is no praise. Modesty is a virtue. Don’t stand out. Don’t blow your own trumpet. These kind of beliefs are well meaning and can get in the way. The truth is that you can stroke yourself. It’s ok to give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, or treat yourself, or simply enjoy your talents and skills.

3. Don’t Ask for Strokes. If you ask for a compliment or perhaps for a hug, people may be suspicious of you and think that you’re ‘needy’. Clearly, if you ask for a kiss and get it, that counts less than if your partner reads your mind and gives you one by surprise. Right? Wrong! The truth is that you can ask for what you need. If you ask someone to pay you a compliment, or give you some positive feedback, and they do and are sincere, then the strokes are real and as powerful as if you received them by surprise. It’s ok to ask and to receive. Next time you want a hug, don’t sit there and pout…ask for one!

4. Don’t Accept Strokes. If someone says “Well done” the temptation is to brush it off and be modest. “Oh it was nothing,” you might reply, or emphasize that the team did some good work whilst you sat in the background. You might even ask for a compliment and when you get it you toss it aside with a disbelieving sniff. Of course the truth is that you can accept strokes. “Thank you” often suffices and personally I quite enjoy getting them and stuffing them into my ’stroke bank’. (Think of this as a piggy bank, where you can store strokes and replay them later for added smiles). Have fun accepting strokes…you pump fuel into your car, so what’s wrong with taking on board some nourishment for yourself?

5. Don’t Reject Strokes. Some people feel that they always have to accept all the feedback that is given to them and perhaps even become recognised for one particular trait or talent. For example, if someone is good at presentations and is only praised for that, it can become a bit wearisome. We all have lots of skills and talents and so we can make a choice. The truth is that we can say ‘no thanks’ although in practice I have found a polite way to reject a stroke is to say “Thanks for your comment and what else do I do well?” This encourages the other person to think a bit more deeply and I get another stroke!

Our Task For This Week

We can ask ourself which one(s) of the above Dont’s we carry around and give ourself permission to change. We can give strokes to others and ourself, ask for them, accept them and reject them. This week choose to give out more strokes and ask for ones and see how life and work feels a bit better. If you’re leading a team make a point of giving them some positive feedback and remember that a stroke doesn’t have to be verbal. A smile, a hug, a box of cream cakes, an extra long tea break… these are all strokes that people value and enjoy. What can you say, or do, this week to someone to make them smile and feel appreciated? Who do you tend to overlook who could do with a stroke?

Next Week

Job Hunting 3.0 is published on 15th June so to tie in with this I will preview the book over the next few weeks, starting next Monday with some juicy CV writing tips. Beat the competition by following this blog each Monday.

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Did You Know?

I work with clients through my business, Primary People, that specialises in organisational and personal development with a TA twist. We’re looking for two new coaching clients at the moment, so contact me if you, or a colleague, are facing leadership challenges, or are stuck with a dilemma.

Motivating your team the Soho way. Just a roll for me thanks...

A stroke is a unit of recognition, in Transactional Analysis terms: A wave, a frown, a handshake, a smile, a cross look, a hug, a pat on the pack. Strokes flow out of the words we use, they way we make eye contact and the body language which tells someone we’ve noticed them. Do we smile or scowl? Congratulate or condemn? Praise or persecute? Given that we get the behaviour we stroke, when we think about our daily work in organisations it can be useful to pause for a moment and consider how we stroke people. Please have a look at the five types of strokes below. Which ones will you be giving out this week?

5 Types of Strokes

1. Unconditional Positive strokes. When we love, or appreciate, someone for just being there. These can be really intense and rewarding. Think of the times you’ve told someone you’ve loved them, or at work brought doughnuts for your friends, just because you like working with them.

2. Conditional Positive strokes.When we praise someone for doing something. They’re called ‘conditional’ because you have to do something to merit them. These are great strokes and it always saddens me when I meet leaders who say: “I don’t need to tell my team they’re doing a good job; they know  I think that.” Yeah right…unless you happen to be President of the Mind Readers Association, people need to be told and told often. (A tip: you can also encourage thinking by stroking ideas and creativity).

3. Conditional Negative strokes. These are the opposite of the ones above. Think of all the times you’ve berated people for poor workmanship, or lacklustre attention to detail. These are all still strokes, just not very nice ones to have.

4. Unconditional Negative strokes.These are where sexism, ageism, racism etc sit; where we get criticised for something out of our control. Ever said: “Blondes/Young people/Foreigners are stupid?” In this example the person can’t help being blonde/young/foreign…they just are. These are nasty strokes. You should avoid them.

5. Plastic strokes. At the start they feel good, but they end in a nasty little qualifying comment, which leaves a whiplash sting to them. There’s no need to qualify a positive stroke; just say it and stop. For example, if you’ve heard someone say; “That was a great job…for a graduate/man/women/junior” the stroke would have felt grudging. If you know people who do this and excuse it as “It’s only my sense of humour” then perhaps enlighten them. Plastic strokes are like plastic food; they look tasty, but are are inedible. All people have to do is say: “That was a great job.”

The more we encourage people with positive strokes the more they will seek them out, like a plant growing towards the light. As leaders, friends, sales people, professionals and partners we can change behaviour by changing the way we stroke people. It really can be that easy.

Next Week

In next week’s post we’ll meet the brainchild of Claude Steiner: The Stroke Economy, and will find five ways we limit our stroking patterns.

Pass It On

Please forward this blog to two people who you think would find this interesting. Thank you, for the strokes!

Coming Soon

Mini ebooks and the next big book: Job Hunting 3.0 (Secrets and skills to sell yourself effectively in the modern age). Watch the blog for more information.

That’s all for this week… I’m off to stroke someone (probably me).

One way to be heard...or you could tweet

I was asked this question at a recent workshop and my answer was; it’s a stroke rich environment. Simples.

In Transactional Analysis a ’stroke’ is defined as a unit of recognition and we all have a need for recognition as an essential human hunger (Berne, 1966). I know the term ’stroke’ has a medical meaning, but in this context it refers to the act of recognising our self or others. Think of it like stroking a cat; if you move from head to tail you might get a little buzzy purr and a happy kitty. Go from tail to head and you can lose a finger. Cats know all about strokes!

Twitter provides us (I like tweeting) with a chance to be heard and to be acknowledged. We don’t have to be saying anything smart, we can just be present and can have our existence validated.

All of the smiles we get, the banter and the electronic ‘hugs’ are real and genuine strokes. People on Twitter bank them, share them and relive them as their timeline flows and people comment and laugh and cry together.

If you’re sitting at home looking for a job, or in an office on your own, or raising children, or simply wading through the daily treacle of life, you too can have as many healthy strokes as you need.

Twitter is for real people. It works because when you write something you are noticing yourself first and that’s a good source of strokes. It works because you can have company when you’re physically isolated (stroke deprived). It works because people hand out strokes freely and the networks of Tweeters support and encourage each other.

There’s a big bonus too. Increasingly people are using Twitter as a source of business because people buy from people and chatting is a great way to develop relationships. I’m not talking here about the spam from multi-level marketing organisations (mlm) who can make you rich by clicking here!! (If it was that easy would I be writing this and would you be reading it?) What I mean is good old fashioned networking; talking to people, making friends, gaining trust and then doing business.

All these strokes can be great for our health and well-being and for our bank balance too.

And you can have all this for free. Twitter works because real people can really be present and get real, healthy strokes. Find me on Twitter at @RichardMaun and tell me what strokes you need. We can have a Twitter #strokeparty.

A frustrated Lego manager heading for their next meeting

Meetings are a short cut to a full diary and it’s curious that we need to have them at work, in order to canvass opinion and make decisions, yet we rarely feel the need to have them at home. Pause for a moment and consider all the hours we are going to spend in meetings over the next 12 months… More than you might think perhaps?

However, I attended a business meeting recently which was more useful than some others I’ve been to and for two specific reasons:

• We started off by talking about our frustrations.
• We then stopped talking and did some work. 

Naming Frustrations

Everybody has feelings and when people work together for any length of time they are bound to accumulate niggles, gripes, concerns, irritations or grazes to their ego. Perhaps a deadline was missed, a promise only half made good on, or an email sent that was misinterpreted. Whatever the cause of these things, we tend to carry them around with us and they can affect how well we perform at meetings, because they can get in the way of our rational Adult Ego State thinking.

Adult and Ego State are terms from Transactional Analysis and when we’re said to be “in our Adult” we are being rational and objective and using facts. Often people think they are being objective, when in fact their feelings are making them sulk, or withdraw from the discussion, or they make commitments without thinking through the implications. Therefore, at the start of a meeting it can help to invite people to name their frustrations. We did this in our meeting by asking each other:

• Where are you?
• What’s annoying you?
• You look thoughtful…what’s on your mind?
• What is getting in the way?
• What has to change for you to feel comfortable?

By asking these questions and giving us all a chance to be heard (see Active Listening post) we had a frank and honest discussion and took note of people’s concerns. This meant that we unpacked our issues and ‘put them on the table’ where we could see them. As the old adage runs: If you can see it, you can sort it. This is the same for our frustrations; if we can see them then we can sort them out and that clears the way for a more productive meeting, as we are now more likely to feel included and engaged.

Encouraging people to speak up is a cornerstone of good team dynamics and successful meetings. The way to voice your feelings without offending people is to focus on your feelings and connect to an issue, rather than the person, and to use a sentence construction such as:

“When you do this / say this….I feel that…..and I would like us to consider these options…”

When people are given options it encourages them to think…which can move them out of a sulky place and into their Adult Ego State. Questions for people to consider here include:

• What would you like to happen?
• How many options can we explore?

Active Meetings

The trap that we had fallen into in the past was to use all of our meeting time to collect actions, which we would then go away and work on. I’m coming to the conclusion that busy people do better when they block their time into useful chunks, rather than having tiny bits of work all overlapping and competing for attention. Given that we can block out time for a meeting, but then have to reschedule our diary to find time to do the actions arising, it makes sense to treat a meeting as a block of productive time, rather than just a conversation. My thinking is to allow enough space in a meeting to do some or all of the actions there and then, so that we make better use of our time together. Our meetings stop being passive and become active.

As a case in point; during our recent meeting we stopped writing actions about administrative items and simply reached for invoices, diaries, cheque books and spreadsheets and made payments, updated information and organised appointments. This felt good, because we were being more productive with our time. I noticed that at one point I didn’t have anything particular to do, so I checked emails; which was still a good use of my time. Meetings are a collective activity, so the focus is on collective progress rather than maximising individual progress. From a business perspective if two actions are completed that’s two steps forwards for the business and that’s what really counts, not individual progress.

When you are looking at your diary and wondering how you will fit all your meetings in perhaps reflect on these questions:

• What can you do differently?
• When you are planning a meeting think about what items can be actioned during the meeting itself to make better use of the time, so the whole group/business makes progress?
• How does the agenda need to change to reflect a more purposeful approach?

Meetings can easily slip and slide into ‘talking shops’ so it was good to be reminded that they can be sharpened up. I hope your meetings go well and do let me know if you have any tips you would like to share.

More Time Management Tips

There are more tips and practical suggestions in the Time Management Pack in the shop, including the Drivers model, which is one of the most useful bits of thinking I have come across and which has helped me to really improve the way I work. Do you know your Driver preferences? They’re worth finding out.

A 'boiler plate' contract is solid and reliable

Hooray! I’ve just signed the contract with my publisher for a new book called Job Hunting 3.0 and now all I have to do is find the time and space to write 50,000 words to be delivered on 1st Feb 2010.

Although that may sound like a tough target, the publisher originally wanted 60,000 words by 1st Jan..! Given that November is racing by I must admit that my heart skipped a beat when I thought about that particular challenge, so I decided to go into what I like to think of as ‘contracting mode’. Transactional Analysis (TA) is often described as a ‘contracted psychotherapy’ and one thing that has been politely drummed in to me over the years is that contracting is key.

Without having a clear contract you run the risk of professional (and personal) disaster so it’s important to take time to do the contracting bit well. By contracting, I mean working through the goals, the ‘hows’, the admin points, the fears and the worries that need to be shared, discussed and sorted to make for successful agreements, whether written or verbal.

Mindful of this I rang the publisher and instead of simply trying to negotiate to a middle ground I asked him what his needs were, in order to find out his thinking. He wanted a book of 192 pages to hit the shops in May, or June, next year. Realising that 60k was a notional number of words and that in reailty the number of pages was more important we talked about what was realistic for 1st Feb, which is the deadline for a June publication date, and agreed upon 50k words as being a reasonable minimum.

He sent me a copy of their standard 14 page contract, I compared it to the one I had signed for my other books and inserted all the bits missing from his ‘boiler plate’ version and then we fine tuned the revisions. It’s worth noting that previously I had taken advice from the Society of Authors, who provide an excellent and free service to people like me trying to work out the details of a book contract, that is global in scope and lasts beyond my death in timescale.

My revised contract now gives me more free author copies, the right to audit the publisher’s accounts, a better split of royalties for translation rights, the right to be consulted over future editions and it acknowledges that the book is printed and sold at the publisher’s expense and risk (not mine). Added together, all these little changes mean that we both have a fair and mutually agreed contract. I feel much better that both of us shared our concerns and worked out a solution. A solution based on facts and not just a standard ‘go for the midde ground’ option.

The publisher is happy with the outcome, as he has secured a new title for next year, and I’m happy that I can deliver the manuscript on time.

Transactional Analysis (TA) has a great deal to say about contracting, notably the 3-Level Contract and 3-Cornered Contract models and we will come back to these in the future. For now though, the key things I’ve been reminded of by this story are:

• It does pay to take time and read documents.
• If I’m worried about part of the contract the time to mention it is before signing, when the parties can do something about it.
• Being worred is Ok. Staying silent isn’t. 

How well do I contract? Most of the time; much better than I used to. This is because I have given myself permission to raise concerns, find out the facts and take the time to work through the details. This is a better way to solve contracting problems without always jumping to a default middle ground ‘compromise position’. 

That’s me and I’m curious; how well do you contract? What could you do differently?